Hoover Dam

Hoover Dam 2011

Sometimes, I worry about sex.

Yes, me. I know, it’s odd. Right?

I mean, I’ve written about sex a lot. I’ve reviewed multitudes of sex toys. I’ve even used the term “anal” here a few times. (Gasp!)

But here are two of my worries.

One, I worry that I don’t put out enough.

Sure, hubs and I go through active periods. Thursday nights when the kids aren’t with us. Every other weekend when the kids aren’t with us. When we go on vacation and the kids aren’t with us. (Note the no kids theme.)

But we miss some opportunities here and there. Not in the mood. Mind too full of other stuff. Too tired. Shouldn’t have had that second dirty martini. And that half a bottle of red wine.

And two, I worry that my husband may not want to bone me because, well, I’m not in good shape right now. Yes, I said it. I’m a few or ten pounds overweight and I’m not even finding myself attractive. (Did you know that you can gain weight in your vagina?)

Sure sometimes I look at my ass in the mirror and think, “Yeah, I’d tap that.”

(Sorry, I’ve been listening to my kid’s inappropriate music. Some how, it makes it seem better if we’re listening to it together. Don’t judge.)

But then other times, I look in the mirror and all I see are love handles, saggy breasts and a pouchy middle-aged C-section stomach.

But the other morning, for a few minutes, I didn’t worry about putting out or the shape of my body.

We had just had sex for the first time in two weeks because first, my husband had been out of town. (He went to Las Vegas with two guy friends.)

And then I had been out of town, in Northern California, visiting my brother. When I got back, I was jet-lagged, felt fat from all of the artisanal eating and hadn’t groomed myself in a week because well, I was traveling without my husband and sleeping by myself.

Plus, there were too many kids in the house.

But last Sunday morning we were finally alone. We had slept in and were just lying in bed. And I knew what was coming.

I’ll spare you the XXX rated details. No TMFI here. I’ll just say that it was worth waiting for all of stars to align and for all of those stars to get the fuck out of the house.

After, we were downstairs, dressed and ready to go on a nice long power walk together. My hair was up, which it hardly ever is. I had no makeup on, just sunscreen. And my hubs looked at me long and hard and said to me, “You’re really pretty.”

My first thought was he’s just saying that because he wants to have sex with me. But then I remembered that we had just had sex.

My response? “Well, at least I know you mean it because you’ve already gotten laid.”

And with that we walked out the door.

True love. No worries.

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 ”A match made, if not in heaven, then somewhere else where some Divine Being has a sick, but wonderful, sense of humor.”