Sometimes, I want to fade away

Sometimes, I want to fade away

I am sitting alone in my house.

I’ve been up since 5:30 this morning.

I went for a run after my high schooler left for the bus.

I dropped my daughter off at her middle school then went straight to the grocery store. And I’ve got dinner for tonight all planned.

I even went back to my daughter’s school and dropped off the math workbook she left behind.

My stack of dirty laundry has been tamed and now everybody just needs to put their clean clothes away.

I’m showered and my teeth are brushed.

In about an hour, I’m going to put some ingredients in my borrowed bread maker.

And then I’m going to make a big salad for lunch and eat it while reading  “The Night Circus” by Erin Morganstern.

I can’t tell you how happy I am about all of this.

This past weekend, well no, actually, the past couple of weeks, I’ve felt like I’ve been pulled in many different directions.

And that everybody wants my attentions.

My son. My daughter. My husband. Friends. Family. This blog.

And I’m sure someone feels shafted.

And if I had to guess who it was? I’d say my husband.

It’s complicated a bit because he’s my kids’ stepfather. And though he’s involved in their lives, more and more as time goes on, he steps aside when their needs seem to be escalating. Like now.

Because when things are going on in their lives, they want me. Plain and simple. They don’t want their father. Or their stepfather. They want Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.

And I want to be here for them. I need to be here for them.

And my husband understands. Though I know it’s not easy for him. Because I just kind of disappear. In to their rooms. Doing homework with them. Running errands with them. On the phone with them.

Them. Them. Them.

My kids won’t be at this stage in life forever. The teen years. And what they need from me will change. It does change. Not every day but almost.

But I know, and he does too, that this is such an important stage in their lives to be available to them. To guide them. To stay close to them even as we’re giving them their independence. 

In five years, they’ll both be gone. Off to college. Not that I’m counting the days. Well, some days I am. Other days, I’m wishing time would go more slowly. Even backwards for a while.

So thanks for being patient, babe. Thanks for understanding.

And remember, Date Night is coming early this week. You get me all to yourself on Wednesday. I promise I’ll stay off the computer and off of the phone.

Unless, of course, it’s the kids calling.




PS The picture is me standing against the bathroom wall in our room at the Wynn Las Vegas. Crazy, right?