fageI have a yeast infection. And it’s a bad one.

(Yeah, I know that’s gross. And maybe even a little bit TMI. But I haven’t written in a while and this was what inspired me. Besides, I like to write about what I know.)

This is only the fourth yeast infection that I’ve had in my entire 46 year-old life. And it couldn’t have come at a more inopportune time.

(You know, if you type yeast too fast it comes out Yeats which makes you seem really smart.)

Because in addition to me just being physically uncomfortable, it’s the holidays. In my house, this means a little alone time for me and my husband.

(Second marriage for both of us means our kids are with their other parents, which is fine with me since I’m Jewish and my ex-husband is Catholic.)And all I wanted for Christmas was a little cunnilingus.

But yeast infection = unpalatable.

I know why I got the infection. Last week, I dropped my daily routine of eating non-fat Greek yogurt, what with all of it’s good-for-the-vagina bacteria, because I was too busy eating other things on my trip to Las Vegas. And I’ve been a little stressed out what with the holidays coming and having two kids sick with stomach viruses at different times, while they were trying to study for their final exams, and a husband who is working almost 80 hour weeks. (I know I’m not the one working 80 hours but it still stresses me out.)

So I have to point my finger at stress, and my failure to ingest Lactobacillus acidophilus, for allowing the bacteria Candida albicans to multiply and take over my inner paradise. Over running my vaginal environment and turning it into a factory producing excess quantities of well, you know what a yeast infection is like.

I’m not screwing around with this. I want this yeast infection gone. So I’m taking a three prong approach. First and foremost? I’m back on my daily dose of Greek yogurt. Second, I refilled an old prescription for Diflucan. (Actually I got Fluconazole, the generic form, and it only cost $2.09 for two pills.) And third, the part I hate, I purchased a three dose pack of Miconazole cream in pre-filled applicators.

Go away yeast infection.

I have two more days to get this shit cleared up. Two more days until I get to celebrate Christmas with my Catholic husband. (Don’t get me wrong, we celebrate the eight nights of Hanukkah too but somehow, it just feels right that oral sex should be a Christmas present.)

I’ll let you know if I get my Christmas wish. Or, maybe not. Some things should remain private.

Happy Holidays. May you be healthy, happy and yeast-free.