This is what co-parenting makes my brain feel like.
Co-parenting.
Under the best of circumstances, it’s hard.
Under the worst? Impossible.
Getting divorced is a tough situation in and of itself. I know. I made that decision over 10 years ago.
But what I didn’t understand then was what it would be like to co-parent with my ex-husband through our kids’ teen years.
And now here we are with two teenage kids.
And parenting has gotten harder.
Just the normal teen-years stuff. Grades, mouthiness, over-use of electronics, the push for independence. Nothing I can’t handle.
But the co-parenting? It’s gotten much harder.
It’s frustrating. And that’s putting it nicely.
When you have two parents who live their lives differently and whose priorities are different, co-parenting is tough.
I mean, these differences are some of the reasons why I’m not still married to my first husband.
I’m not pointing fingers. And I try not to judge. (Though, I’ll admit, sometimes it feels good to.)
I know I’m not perfect. I’ve had a few parenting blunders. Like letting my teen download a few explicit songs from iTunes. I’ve learned from these mistakes. (And replaced those songs with “clean” versions.)
But I’m finding that, over the last year, our differences seem to have increased. And I find myself disagreeing with my ex more and getting upset more often with his parenting choices.
To the point that I’ve sought outside counsel the advice of a therapist.
The most valuable co-parenting insight I’ve taken away from our sessions? That I can only control what goes on in my house.
I can only control what I do, how I live my life and what kind of role model I am to my kids and to my stepdaughter.
This simple concept has become my mantra. And it helps.
In just over two years, my son will be in college. And he won’t be going locally. My daughter will be just a few years behind him. And she won’t stay here either.
They’ll be off exploring their young adulthood and my work as a parent, though far from over, will be different.
As will my relationship with their dad.
In the meantime, I’ll try to be a model co-parent and help foster the kids’ relationship with him. And I’ll try to hide my frustrations from them.
It won’t be easy. But I’ll do it. For my kids’ sake.
After all, it’s not about me. Or their dad.
10 comments
sheri says:
Feb 7, 2013
Great post Jen – I have it a little differently – an ex whose involvement consists of writing checks and an occasional lunch with his son (my daughter hasn’t spoken to him in 2 1/2 years). As sad as I know this is intellectually, it makes life SO much easier in many ways for me and Mike. So comforting to have at least one blogger in “almost” the same circumstances – especially our kids’ ages. xo
Jen says:
Feb 7, 2013
So happy that I know you!
stuart sheldon says:
Feb 7, 2013
Tough stuff. I feel the struggle.
Jen says:
Feb 8, 2013
Thanks Stu. XO
Jen B. says:
Feb 7, 2013
I’m the “step” so it’s even harder for me–there are times I want to strangle BOTH of them. For being obstinate with one another. For their failure to communicate. For not seeing things as clearly as I, the noble outsider, can
In all seriousness, I have to bite my tongue fairly often–not because my partner doesn’t want my help–but because he accepted, long ago and sometimes still bitterly, the lesson you are sharing here–he can only control what goes on when the boys are in his house. Much as he wishes it was different, especially since they are still fairly young(almost 13 & almost 14) and suffer from the utter refusal by their mom to work together with my husband on matters large and small. But it’s not going to change so accept we must. And try to make the best of it. Thanks for sharing your story.
Jen says:
Feb 8, 2013
Love your point of view. This is how my husband sees it as well. It makes him crazy. My other new motto is one day at a time. Thanks for your comment.
Hotly Spiced says:
Feb 7, 2013
You’re so right – it’s not easy. I can’t say it from personal experience because I’ve not had to go down the divorce road but I have many friends in your situation and they all say it’s a nightmare. And I certainly know, the teenage years aren’t easy; your parenting has to step up a few gears almost overnight it seems. Love the look of the new blog xx
Jen says:
Feb 8, 2013
You are the Queen of the teens! As I’ve learned while reading your blog, yours certainly put you through the ropes. But you are a great parent because they seem so lovely!! Thanks. XO
Windy says:
Feb 8, 2013
But wait. It was supposed to be all unicorns and butterflies when the kids turned 13, right? RIGHT?
(can you tell I have a 12-year-old stepdaughter?)
You are, of course, doing The Right Thing, which is also The Hard Thing. I applaud you, and plan to channel my inner Dewlap many times over the next six (GULP) years.
Jen says:
Feb 8, 2013
Ha! I wish. I like unicorns and butterflies.
At least there’s comfort in knowing we are not alone!!